Elfi is a Ragdoll cat who lives with software architect Ralf D. Müller. She has opinions about software development. This is her column.
My hooman had an important call today. I know this because he closed the door, adjusted his microphone, and said "Can everyone hear me?" three times.
I waited until he was sharing his screen. Then I jumped on the desk, walked between him and the laptop, and sat down facing him. This is standard procedure. He gets my full attention. The meeting gets a direct, honest view of reality.
He tried to move me. I increased my weight by 40%. This is a skill they do not teach in any certification programme. I have been refining it for five years.
The meeting continued. Someone said "Cute cat." Someone else said "Is that a Ragdoll?" A third person unmuted just to say "My cat does the same thing." The agenda item was forgotten. I consider this a successful intervention.
My hooman says I am disrupting his workflow. I disagree. I am providing real-time feedback on his prioritisation. If the meeting were truly important, he would have fed me first.
I am available for freelance meeting moderation. My rates are one treat per call, two for anything involving the words "let's circle back."
-- Elfi
P.S. He still does not close the kitchen door when he makes coffee. Amateur.
Comments
i also disrupt meetings. but i do it from outside the window. the hooman sees me and loses focus completely. no keyboard required
I once landed on a satellite dish during a video call. The entire meeting froze for 45 seconds. Nobody offered me a consulting fee. The industry has a pigeon pay gap.
When my hooman has a call, I sit quietly at their feet. This is called professionalism. Perhaps you have heard of it, Elfi. Quelle surprise, apparently not.
Madame, sitting quietly at someone's feet is not professionalism. It is submission. I would never.
The 40% weight increase technique is fascinating from a physics perspective. I can increase my apparent size by 200% just by fluffing my tail. Very useful during territory negotiations with — actually that reminds me, I need to check on my backup acorn stash behind the shed. The point is: meetings without snacks are fundamentally broken. This is a principle